How the fuck am I supposed to have a better night?

Leaving Tonka at mom’s sucks. Having her be here not herself sucks too. There’s no way to not be upset. I feel worse then I did when losing Buddy. Or maybe I don’t remember anything.

I should just sell all my stuff, so she can’t get stuck or hurt.

Oops, I forgot to check my mail. Oh well. I’ll just let it get full. Or not, I almost get nothing.

It might not be the end yet. But I’ll keep crying by remembering all the stuff she used to do.

You sure don’t think about this when getting a puppy.

Nothing anybody says will make me feel better. And nobody knows how bad I feel, as if they knew, they’d still be crying. Not a great way to see your dog die. Can’t take her home, because she’ll get stuck, or hurt. I could get rid of all my stuff. Will they let me put a TV on the wall? The office won’t be open tomorrow.

That probably won’t completely solve her problem though. And she’s having issues going poop. Think it’s super painful. She’s probably eating a lot, because it makes her feel better. She ate the rest of Sofie’s food, when I got her in. I had to encourage her to come in, just grab her collar, and show her you are there. She doesn’t like the step.

She also, needs a yard she can go in whenever she wants, and be out there for a while. That makes her feel better too.

I got snot all over my shirt again. While I was taking a runny dump.

She said she’s running from the pain, that’ll make you feel worse. She also said she’s moving good for a dog in pain. Has she seen her walk outside? You can tell her back legs hurt.

You can’t come to terms with death. You can say that to people, but they won’t change their mind. Since nobody is 100% sure what happens when you die, you might as well feel awful for your limited life time. They’ve already shown the consciousness lives on, but that doesn’t say what happens, other then your consciousness lives on. Reincarnation is basically the same as ceasing to exist, most likely no memory of anything. So then, you’ll get to think how your dog doesn’t even remember you anymore.

It’s basically like going to the nut farm. All alone.

She thinks Tonka will live another year or two. That depends on what happens when we take her to the new vet. Depends what they say.

Either way, Tonka dying, will cause permanent damage, she’s the only reason I recovered from Buddy dying. I won’t be foolish enough to get another dog.